I don't usually share here in a personal way. I hope you don't mind indulging me today…
2014 has put up some challenges I must say. I've found myself struggling to keep up with parenting a little one, all that comes with running a household and dealing with what feels like an onslaught of virus's. All in all, this year I've found myself truly sapped of any "get up and go". (I'm almost certain illness' are more potent and longer lasting this year.)
The trickiest thing though, is the battle I have in myself. No matter what I'm doing, I feel that I should be doing something else. That feeling of "I should really be organising…", "I need to reply to that email about…", "I should really take Hannah for a walk." The "shoulds" are very persistant and they can take away your attention from and enjoyment of what you're actually doing. I know many feel this way.
I often feel guilty for not paying more attention to work and creating… and when I do that I feel like I'm neglecting other important things and Hannah. Even as I type, Little Miss is begging for a book to be read. Balance within the juggling act… is it possible?
I've thought about putting One Day In May aside or putting it on hold…. but, I don't think this is the right move. Creating brings so much to my life… it makes me feel like me! Feeling productive and having something outside of parenthood is important for adults and for the littlies that live with us.
I can't imagine letting One Day In May go, but with designing comes many self inflicted pressures. The need to be working on something new all the time, regular and consistent working hours, the obvious need to actually finish projects, the guilt associated with being behind with emails, blogging, pattern writing… you name it!
I'm really, really talented when it comes to self inflicted guilt!!
As regular readers will know, my life has changed substantially over the past few years. Designing and pattern writing take energy and concentration… experimentation, persistence and time. I find myself a bit short on these things with an almost 2 year old. Concentration on one activity for any length of time seems like such a foreign concept lately!
When "One Day In May" began, my vision involved dedication. Even now I dream big… and in particular… of the many designs I'd like to finish for the upcoming trade market. I dream big… and then I feel like I'm letting myself down when the end of the day comes and I haven't found the space for working. Its so hard to find the dedication I crave when it has to squeeze in around the edges of life.
I'm thinking it might be time to lose my attachment to "the way my creative life was before" and let go of the struggle to make it the same again.
I have many projects half done at the moment. All of which I really love. I'm thinking that once these are complete, I might move creatively towards the "simpler" projects.
(Can I actually do it? I'm so fond of detail!!)
My fear is that if I don't restructure my relationship with One Day In May… it might just slowly fizzle. And I really don't want that. Creating is so much a part of me and designing has come with a lot of joy.
The challenge now is to find a One Day In May for myself that fits comfortably within my days… that can still be a joy and not something that is neglected. This might not seem like much of a shift in thinking to some. But, for me it is an important line in the sand. To lose the guilt and the shoulds… and to reach for the joy again.
I'm going to start by blogging in a simple way…. shorter posts, less planned, honest to my real life, flawed and true to where I am at creatively. One of the loveliest parts of "making" is sharing the love of making with others. I have missed that.
So that's it… honest thoughts about where I am within my creative journey.
Thank you for reading,